Kristin

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 04:20:46 GMT

Goodbye.

And please, don't reply.

ah blah

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:50:32 GMT

So, yeah. I don't have a cell phone anymore. I repeat, no cell phone. Don't call it or text message it. I don't have it anymore.

Life sucks without a cell phone.

I still have the physical phone though, I'll probably go reactivate it in a couple weeks when I get some dough.

I'll be 18 in 10 days.

Caleb's doing well for everyone who's shown concern.

So who do you think is gonna win the Superbowl today? My guess is the Panthers. I'm not a football fan, but I get into it when Superbowl nears. I don't think it's so much of a big deal down here as it was last year, because last year the hometown won and this year they didn't do crap. I don't like the Bucs.

come on abuse me more i like it

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 01:19:51 GMT

Things come all at once and it's too much to take. I am better now, but I can still hear my 15-year-old self telling me to take a razor to my arm. No. I won't do that anymore. I quit that along time ago.

Caleb's leg was amputated today. I want to see how everything went and make sure he's doing okay, but I don't want to bother his family right now. Although the concern is killing me inside. It just breaks my heart to know he's in the hospital again, let alone he has cancer. But I guess what he told me yesterday was right, you need to have a sense of humor in order to survive. I'm just taken back by how calm he is.

Today was the last day I'll see Sarah until the end of March. On the way home I had to pull over into a parking lot and just screamed and cried and let all my emotion out. I needed it.

Oh, and Dad, you snoop around for skeletons in the closet. I'm pretty sure you have quite a few skeletons hanging up there too. My close friends know what I'm talking about.

reasons to be depressed

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 22:16:27 GMT

Caleb has connective tissue cancer. He called me today and told me that the cancer was just around his right knee, but just in that area alone they've found multiple malignant tumours, most to deep to just cut out. So in order to prevent the cancer from spreading, his right leg is going to be amputated, and chemotherapy for precaution incase of any dormant cells. I had to prevent myself from crying because I had to drive. The reality of this is hitting slowly but hard. Now I know how people feel when they say, "You never think cancer will hit close to home."

Sarah is leaving on Feb. 4th for basic training. I'm at her house right now, and tomorrow I go home and it will be the last time I see her before her graduation from basic.

I need somebody to hug me.

everyone else was doing it

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 19:09:46 GMT

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Travel Plans for 2004:
End of March - Sarah's graduation for basic training in Missouri
Spring Breakish - Trip w/ LeLe (most likely to NYC)
End of April - Upstate NY for great grandpa's burial
Summer - Out west (The Rocky Mountains & The Grand Canyon)

...and maybe more. There's alot of places I'd like to go this year.

Forget to mention yesterday the trip to the dentist. Wasn't as bad as my old dentist, but I still don't like going. They smoothed out my chipped tooth, and told me I have Periodontal Disease, and I have a really bad infection in the gum line of my left upper back teeth. So I have to go in on February 6th (Caleb's b-day) for one of those extreme cleaning surgeries. *groans*
I'm also getting my wisdom teeth pulled sometime in the near future. *groans*

We've been drowning in rain last night and this morning. The wind blew the front door open just enough to make the alarm go off and wake my dreamful self up. That happend around 2, then I didn't go back to sleep and started watching TV, then around 4 lightning hit the house. I think it just hit the satellite cause the TV went out for a few minutes. Good thing the power didn't go on. I literally have panic attacks in total darkness.

My cell phone just died. Darn. Gotta go charge it.

be strong, break it, hold on, you'll make it

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 03:09:15 GMT

I am really depressed right now. It's a mixture of different things, I'm sad that tomorrow and Wednesday will be the last time I see Sarah for a long time, and we will miss each other's milestone b-day. I'm also developing nervousness about different things that are coming up, and not because I'm unsure. It's the kind of nervousness you feel when your interviewing for your dream job. But I blamed it on being unsure, I don't know if anyone read the last post before I edited it. To all I did confuse though, I'm sorry. I can't believe I said it out loud. The reason I'd edited it was because I couldn't stand looking at it. I'm sorry, I'm very emotional right now, and I'll be back to normal shortly.

Today was the first time I actually cried about the possibility of not being able to naturally conceive children of my own.

I'm sure mood swings from it being that time of the month aren't helping either.

I just need to keep the faith.

lots of different topics

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 02:18:33 GMT

"Muh bebe" turned 13 yesterday. :-)
Annie turns 3 tomorrow. :-)
Can you tell I love my pets a whole lot? hehe

Sarah's in the army now. She leaves for basic training on February 4th. I'm very happy for her, but I am so sad she's leaving. I have to keep reminding myself it's too soon to cry. I promise I'm gonna try to make it to your graduation, Sarah! Even if I have to lie, cheat, and steal.

-----

*EDITED: The paragraph that was here has been edited. Sorry, personal issues are messing with my head. If you need answers, call me. It's complicated.

------

Okay, so I realized today, and no, I'm not trying to be cocky, that I'm a better drawer than I thought I was. Well, not a drawer. More like I doodler/cartoonist.

------

What would you all think if I got Gastric Bypass Surgery? I know, it is an extremely risky surgery. But I'm in the middle of exploring it as a last resort if I can't loose weight. And I qualify for the surgery. This isn't something I'm just gonna go out and do tomorrow though. I'm going to keep studying up on it, and if I still feel this is something I want to do, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in May.

------

I need a part-time job that pays good money. Any suggestions?

ramble on my friend

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 19:35:39 GMT

It's official. I have a bad back. Damnit.

And as if my 24/7 back pain wasn't bad enough, today Aunt Flo decided to pay me her week-long monthly visit. Costco, Sam's Club, and BJ's are my favorite stores for this situation. Where else can you buy a box of almost 100 tampons? Ahh, I won't have to spend my hard working money of them for the next couple of months.

I am saving the current money I have right now for when I open a bank account. What a pleasant thought, no more money orders and having to wait impatiently for things over the internet. It's on my list of things to do when legal day comes. (People who've already passed the 18 mark are probably going "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say...")

I want..to..do...nothing today. But that's not possible, I still have afternoon horse duties and we're getting a delivery of stuff (hay, feed, etc.) at the barn today, so it's my job to run the tractor so when can put multiple loads of T&A and alfalfa up in the hay loft.

For the farm illiterate, T&A and alfalfa are two different types of hay.

Time to go nap in a fetal position.

sighs

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 14:31:26 GMT

Sacrifices suck.

Maybe that's why I always catch myself in contradiction.

3 more weeks of childhood

Wed, 21 Jan 2004 20:30:02 GMT

I still hate my back.

I'm finally getting my chipped tooth fixed on Monday. I've been cutting the inside of my mouth with it too many times.

I'm getting back control over of my domain names tomorrow. Yay! I'm gonna get hosting service for it as soon as I get some more ca$h and I get my own piece of plastic, because I'm not gonna spend six months waiting for confirmation like I did with the money order to register the domain name. Maybe I'll finally be able to put up my music.

Man, how I'd love to start playing shows this spring. I think I will. Got to do some research on that.

Hanson are the only people I know who procrastinate more than I do.

zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfecba

Mon, 19 Jan 2004 19:18:13 GMT

To my back, I hate you.

I've rediscovered eBay. I'm going on a bidding spree!

I'm having one of those days where I just don't want to do anything.

What should I do for my 18th birthday, coming up in 23 days. I am NOT going clubbing.

People, please read the following...I don't go clubbing, it is not my thing, nor will it be ever. I do not like to drink, and I never want do it again as long as I live. I dress like I do because I like the way I dress. I'd prefer to keep to myself. There is a big difference between who I think is cute and who I would want to date. I do not like rap or hip-hop music. I hate it when people question or tease me about the following I have just mentioned.

coming soon

Sat, 17 Jan 2004 20:03:20 GMT

The Sims 2.

Oh yes baby.

i hate wake-up calls

Sat, 17 Jan 2004 20:01:57 GMT

My grandmother spent the night and forgot we have an alarm system. She went to go out the sliding glass door before anyone woke up and the alarm started screaching at unnatural decipals. I felt like screaming in frustration.

My back is killing me. Not even Perkiset seems to help. Mom thinks it's just sore muscles from strenous work at the barn, and my dad thinks it might be a kidney infection. All I know is that if it doesn't subside by Monday I'm making a doctor's appointment.

I donated blood yesterday. I thought I might pass out because they played around with the needle after it was already stuck in me, apparently my right arm has a deep vein. I looked at it. I'm no sissy, but it is a little bit odd to watch your blood pour out into a long tube and down into a bag full of it. I'm O POS if anyone needs a blood transfusion.
"Have you ever had sex with a male that has had sex with another male?"
"Have you ever accepted money in exchange for sex or drugs?"
"Have you ever give in exchange for sex or drugs?"

When my back gives me a break, I'm gonna gut out my room. I'm going to put some shelves on the walls and see if I can fit a Pappason (sp?) chair in there. If I do say so myself, I think my bedroom looks spectacular at night. I turn on my fan's blue neon light, my lava lamp, and my fiber-optic fairy ball. No wonder I don't want to go to sleep.

Can't wait til the big computer is finally fixed, then I can move the ASUS into my room. YAY! Then I'll be able to play Sims, and go on the intenet, all day, everday.

Off to wonder.

chips and salsa = midnight projectile fest

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 02:28:05 GMT

I haven't been feeling well. I just ache all over. Especially my back.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome has ruined my life. I could be 100lbs lighter, and my chances of having children in the future wouldn't be in jeporady. Just listen to me gripe and moan. People, don't get mad. Obesity makes life a living hell.

Music, my horses, and faith. They take me away, and make me forget about the world around me. It makes me happy.

hello hello

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 14:41:05 GMT

Nothing much is new. Just the baby. I've been spending most of my time at the barn.

I posted pictures of Sandy in my horse community.

Sandy

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 01:58:32 GMT

We have a new horse. She is a 9-month-old filly. She is a registered APHA, her sire is a Paint Horse, and her dam is a Throughbred. She is a chestnut & white tovero coloring. She has one blue eye and one brown eye. Her barn name is Sandy.

I'm feeling very guilty right now, because it's her first night tonight at our barn, it's her first time away from the place she was born and grew up and where her mother is at.

Pictures will come shortly.

CRASH!

Sat, 10 Jan 2004 14:00:41 GMT

18 years ago today, my friend Christina came into this world to wreck havoc....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU!!!!

The computer crashed and sparked the other day. That is not good. Thanks to the ASUS though, I am connected back to the world.

My chipped tooth and the rest of my back teeth on the top left side of my mouth keep reminding me I need to go to the dentist. Grrr.

There are other things I wish to talk about, but are not appropriate for here. Friends, I'll talk to you later.

Hanson singing Dirrty

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 02:04:49 GMT

how i like this so

i wonder if i swallowed it

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 21:35:44 GMT

So, what do I know is it store this year? Hmmm...turning 18, SATs, graduating, starting college...and all that jazz.

I chipped a tooth today. Dentist next week. I dislike going to the dentist. I dislike going to the dentist more than I dislike going to the gynocologist. And that's probably saying something...

Is it me, or do dentists do nothing but criticize?

Next dentist that says "You need to floss more" is getting some of his own teeth punched out.

I use to have alot of dental issues as a kid. I've had three teeth pulled out at once. I've had partial braces. Then I had full braces. I've had two cavities. I've had jaw surgery twice. And now I have my first chipped tooth.

The pain. The pain.

i'm one big sigh

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 01:16:36 GMT

It's scary when you need to make a big decision. It gets even scarier when a deadline approaches. Afraid you'll make the wrong decision, and wonder if you can live with any sacrifices that are added to it.

So, what are you going to do? Can't say it out loud, cause then you'll change your mind ten minutes later. I guess there are some decisions you have to make on your own, and not reveal until the deal and sealed. But it's hard without support. I guess there are sacrifices in the decision making process too.

I'll stop making posts like this, and let you know the outcome when I've made a final decision. I'd like it if you could help, but I will only be able to see your help as an outside influence.

Don't worry, it is not a life or death or health related situation. I'm not breaking friendships off with anybody.

I just need to talk with myself and search for guidance.

what's the year to bring

Thu, 01 Jan 2004 18:37:18 GMT

What is in store for this year? I am not sure. I know what I want to achieve and do. But it's so confusing, because when the time arrives, you get somewhat nervous, and wonder. Are you going to have regrets later? Are you going to change your mind? And what if you ask yourselves these questions if what you do is irreversable? And when you're pulled by two different forces, and also smothered with outside influences. Where is the dividing line between "what you know you what and you know is right" and "what you've been told you should what and what you've been told is right"? Sometimes I just can't tell the different. Maybe I am submissive, or a follower, whatever word you want to use.

Like I believe I said in the post before the last one, I am going to do what I know in my heart is right. Whatever it may be. And once I have it all figured out, no one can make me believe that I am wrong.

2004 is MY year...not yours

Thu, 01 Jan 2004 17:39:46 GMT

I spent New Years Eve at LeLe's apartment. Good times.

I'll upload pictures when Sarah sends me hers and LeLe gets hers developed.

Wed, 31 Dec 2003 02:18:54 GMT

I am going to like myself. I am going to be who I want to be, do what I want to do, think what I want to think, believe what I want to believe, love what I want to love, and nobody can tell me that it's wrong.

new years eve eve

Tue, 30 Dec 2003 21:56:08 GMT

I'm spending tomorrow up in Pine-apple-es. <---I just made that word up.

Cross your fingers for Sarah.

2003 in a nutshell in a survey

Mon, 29 Dec 2003 23:57:33 GMT

2003

what did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?: visited states i hadn't been to before, tried pot, drove over the skyway bridge, and more i can't think of

did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: didn't keep last years. i have alot of resolutions for this year, but i'm gonna keep them a secret, cause maybe they'll actually work if i don't tell anyone.

did anyone close to you give birth?: my ex-boyfriend's mother had a baby girl on Sept 11th.

did anyone close to you die?: my great-grandfather passed away on Nov 23rd.

what places did you visit?: new york. georgia. south carolina. north carolina. tennessee. kentucky. illinois. missouri. iowa. nebraska. south dakota. wyoming. colorado. california. hawaii.

what would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?: money. an active music career. a job.

what date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory?: many that were sparadic throughout the year.

what was your biggest achievement of the year?: i'm not sure...

what was your biggest failure?: probably alot of things.

did you suffer illness or injury?: a physical assault. the flu twice. a black toe. and a horse ass-kicking.

what was the best thing you bought?: my Epiphone Les Paul

whose behavior merited celebration?: wow, that's a hard one...

whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?: i won't say their names on the count of reputations.

where did most of your money go?: eBay, Sam Ash, and miscellaneous expenses.

what did you get really, really, really excited about?: road trip and hawaii

what songs will always remind you of 2003?: "disease" by matchbox twenty and "harder to breathe" by maroon 5. and many more...

compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? about the same, maybe happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? ha...fatter
iii. richer or poorer? about the same. i'm a broke ass.

what do you wish you'd done more of: worked on my music, money saving

what do you wish you'd done less of?: spend money

how did you spend the holidays?: at home. grandmother came over. made steaks.

how will you be spending new years?: up in the hometown with friends

did you fall in love in 2003?: was in love but fell out of love. :*(

how many one night stands?: haha...none.

what was your favorite TV program?: Who's Line Is It Anyway?, and Sex and the City

do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: maybe lost a bit of respect...

do you like anyone now that you hated this time last year?: hmmm...

what was the best book you read?: the whole Harry Potter series

what was your greatest musical discovery?: various independent artists.

what did you want and get?: that Epiphone Les Paul I had been eye-balling at Sam Ash for the past year and a half.

what did you want and not get?: a new acoustic guitar, maybe next year.

what was your favorite film of this year?: wow...i saw alot of good movies this year. two the stand out are The Life of David Gale and Gothika.

what did you do on your birthday?: went to Carrabba's. coughed myself a headache that almost ended up with an ER visit.

what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: if i had started playing shows and gotten my website all done.

how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?: my style. which is whatever i like that i can afford and fit into.

what kept you sane?: music and friends

which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: silverchair and matchbox twenty

what political issue stirred you the most?: not sure.

who did you miss?: alot of people

who was the best new person you met?: i met alot of cool new LJ friends. :)

tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003: don't let anything or anyone stand in the way of being yourself. and as long as you believe in your dreams, they'll come true.

quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "You can't control me, and you can't take away from me who I am" - Quasimodo by Lifehouse